Thursday, August 07, 2003

Jeff was stuck in London yesterday. The train system has seemed to collapse again. Wrong kind of heat. All train tracks seem to have speed limits on, as the rails are prone to buckling in this heat. I felt awful but I did check to see if the trains were cancelled or not. Obviously I don't trust him yet. I did feel bad about doing it but relived when it did turn out true if not as bad as it turned he made out. At least I had said the right thing and told him to go back to Soho and have a few more pints and something to eat.

Anyway he eventually made it home in a good mood and with shopping bags. I think he needed a bit of retail therapy. Shame I cannot do it now. He had bought pressies for me well kind of.

1. He had bought tickets for us both for the theatre. Great seats and in January next year so something to look forward as I think Christmas and New Year will be shit this year.
2. Rubber vest from Rob as I thought it had a red arrow and the word "CUNT". I think I would have liked it and may be envious but not now it just turns my stomach and depress me. I can't say that as I don't want to ruin his moment and he does have to have a life even if I can't anymore.
3. New Godkitchen Worldwide Double CD which would be good to listen to but is still wrapped in cellophane and I don't want to unwrap as unwrapping new shopping is half the half otherwise everything would be in brown paper bags and clear bottles bit like World of Muji then. Dull.
4. Pressies kind of for me, 3 bottles of poppers. Which I don't use dancing often and only use a lot during hard sex and I will not be doing that for a while so I think Jeff will use them eventually especially as he can use a bottle a night.
5. A small green shoulder bag for me which is wonderful and just what I need. Lots of little pockets, trendy but not too trendy, and just dam useful for carrying all the extra bits I need to now a days. Top marks handsome.
6. I asked him for a small bit of material to wrap around the waist to cover my new bag and scars. Kind of pirate style. Think Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. Well he did buy apiece of white cotton slightly too short. Looks like I have been ripping up my bed sheets. Might have to see what I can do for myself. Could do all white Ibiza pirate we will see. I bet small town here has no shops selling cloth. C+ for trying.
7. And finally a gift for me, which I strongly believe, was for him. He said if I did not want to look at it I did not have to. I said I did not feel comfortable with the idea but he wanted to show me so I let him. It was a porn DVD his first one as he pointed out. Called "Bikers" it looks very Easter European a kind thought I think and it does not look too heavy but I don't think I will be watching it for a while.

This morning woke up. Jeff first day back at work. Hope it goes well I think is staff our good and will be sympathetic. He said he was going to tell them the truth about what had happened which I think is the best way to stop untrue gossip. Did notice DVD unwrapped, remote control out and tissues in the bin. Obvious as I thought my present is more for him than me. It is his money so I can't complain. Will he tell me? Does he have to tell me? Should I know everything that goes on in his life or is he allowed to hold back on stuff? As I don't seem to trust him at the moment and with good reason should I be told ever time he has sex even if it just by himself? So if relationships are built on honest and trust should he tell me everything especially when they is little trust?

Still waiting for district nurse? Think I will have to buy some heavy-duty pliers as one of my piercings is killing me now am skinny? Dinner with in-laws tonight lets hope there is not too many embarrassing questions?

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Jeff is off to London for the day to give the police a statement about what has happened. I gave him a list of what to do

1. Go to Kennington/Vauxhall police station and give statement.
2. Go to hospital and fetch the letter we need to cancel our holiday and claim on our insurance. What little we can claim.
3. Go to theatre to buy tickets for Thoughly Modern Millie. One of my favourite films and now coming to the west end. Hurrah.
4. Go to Rob to pick up new waistcoat. Not sure about this one as it is bound to have something on the back like large red arrow or “fist pig”. I don’t think I am going to feel happy about this after what has happened in the past and what cant happen in the future. Can’t say much after all he does have to have a life as well.
5. Clone Zone for poppers and QX
6. Comptons for beer ‘n’ boyz

I added the last to show that I wanted him to relax and have fun especially after the police statement and that he is going back to work tomorrow. I hope he does not slip up again like last time I said, “go out and have fun”. I feel a bit nervous but have to trust him.

Lost my bankcard last week. The bank in Milton Keynes said they could deliver to the local bank. Now the local bank says it can’t do that so no card or cash until next week. Great.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Today it is getting hotter but now cloudy. Could be thunderstorm later but I like that. Well up early and out the door to get to the hospital so that I could see the nurse and have my bloods taken and Jeff have his done. The clinic is so small with only five staff but all friendly. So long chat and everyone was sympathic to me and say how good I look. I think it is the social niceties but does feel good at the time, even though deep down I think that people don’t mean it. Collected more painkillers. This took all morning.

Back home and back working thru the long list of things to do. Started writing thank you cards to all who came and visited me in hospital. Wrote a different message in each one to express my thoughts and to say thank you for the effort.

Discovered Jeff has not cancelled our holiday so had to call Air Miles and cancel. We lost everything money on the hotel and air miles used for the flights. Just when a good holiday would do me good and now I lost all my money. Losing all my air miles does not rest easy with me. I save them for a rainy day and if I reached a point when I could not afford to go a trip if I lost money and now this has happened. I have lost my air miles. Life is not fair but over the last month nothing had been fair to me. Things must get better soon or ending it all might just me the better option. Am not sure how much more disappointment and pain I can take with the only future looking bleak.


Well it is so beautiful sunny and warm. It is one of those days you don’t want to do anything but the large list in front of tell me otherwise. So lots of phone calls which lead to the following:
1. Lots of people advertise to put up TV aerials but none know how to use a phone.
2. Still no councillors for Jeff & I
3. New bags delivered for the weekend. Should be fun.

Working though the list. When the phone went I thought it might be a response to the many phone calls I had made earlier. It was Doug. He has found a wheelchair in the basement. One I can push myself with blow up types, with no air in types. So we jumped in the car and rushed to Luton as Doug is the only in the office today. So we quickly rushed down and then rushed back to the Milton Keynes to go to Easy Cinema and watch Charlie Angles.

Charlie Angles what a hoot. So over the top and a plot line that does not even hold a g-string in place. Can someone explain where the hair sniffing assain comes in to it, out of it and in to it again? Weird but funny film. Then over to Kevin and Doug for Fish and Chips.

It is nice having Jeff off work but I still think he is stressed about the sate of the house and everything else.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Well Marcus turned up yesterday and the mood lighten straight away. After telling me that he hoped this never fucking happens to me again he relished my mum was just next to me. I don’t know if she was offended or not. Earlier we had taken her to Northampton museum, as she wanted to see some local history. Northampton, city of shoes and boots, a big fire and that was it really.

Anyway Marcus was fun and started in the manner he wanted to continue for the weekend. Large vodkas. So I was feeling a bit happier we decided to go out to Northampton bars. It was so funny. Right down to burger van at the back of pub and the bad drag queens it was so provincial but amusing. Came back to Jeff’s house and silly conversations and more vodka. Life seems good for that moment.

Next day and it is sunbathing in the garden and Bloody Mary’s. Mum caught the train home. She still cannot say, “I love you” to me but she did kiss me good-bye. She texted me on the train. So may be I having a new line of communication with her.

Anyway the rest of the day was relaxing in the garden and more vodka. After Marcus left on the train south. it was so good of him to visit. Jeff and I had sex in the garden but nothing happened I think my plumbing might be worst than I thought. If nothing happens downstairs I don’t think I feel it is worth living. Must phone doctor added to list of many things to do tomorrow.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Well was going to the Robbie Williams concert today but obviously not being able to stand has put a pay to that idea. Lucky I have sold my tickets on for the face value via Kevin who has sold them to someone at work. Am sure it would be a great concert. Reports last night said that it was good but loads of people stuck in a 10 mile queue which meant people missing flights at Stanstead and the concert. Feel a bit sorry for them but plenty of notice was given so there should have left early.

Friend Marcus is coming up to see me today from Brighton and staying the night. Not sure how he is going to react. Probably bravely up front and upset underneath.

Also just discovered that Jeff has set up a new profile on an online dating channel. After he said he deleted the old one, which he did. He set up a new one under a different name and as yet not told me. No photos on it but for how long. I feel upset especially after what has happened while I was in hospital. I won’t mention I know and see how long before he tells me about. He said he wanted to be honest and not hurt me again. It seems a funny way of doing it.

Time for me to take more pills and the district nurse to change the old dressings. Lovely hot weather here. Shame I feel to ugly to enjoy it or even lay in the sun. Well I least I won’t get skin cancer this year. Hope pale is the new tanned.

Friday, August 01, 2003

Just been to the loo and am bleeding I hope it is not anything too worrying.
Woke up in pain again so took my pills and let then woke. Looking forward to today as it was first day in to the civilised world. Very exciting, but that was later. First off was there was the district nurse who can to change my dressings. The other nurses said I had a stitch left in my blood drain, which would need removing today. So the nurse plucked away at the scab and found nothing. Ouch. Apart from the black scabs. So quick dressings on the injuries and it is all done. The nurse is from Rochdale and very northern but at least has a sense of humour.

While waiting for the nurse to arrive I started teaching my Mum how to use her mobile phone. I don’t understand how people buy things like mobile phones then don’t learn how to use then. So I showed her the basics. How to enter a name, how to text, how to dial a number how to delete a number, and how to change a number type so she can tell the different from mobile, home and office numbers. I think she is getting the idea now. May be I should be a trainer. Now she is deleting the numbers that have appeared in her home while the phone has been sat in her handbag without the keypad lock on. So goodbye to 11111#4432…

Now back to the main event of the day. Shopping. It is funny how when you are forced out of circulation for a while how everything seems new and exciting again. So I was looking forward to the day and the new experience of being in a wheelchair. My partner Jeff, Mum and I leaped in the car and drove off to Milton Keynes with Jeff doing the tourist guide bit on route. Pancake races, sugar mills and longest high streets later we arrived in Milton Keynes or MK as the marking people what us to call it now. Thankful we found car parking space quickly and with a flash of the hand we where all out of the car and I was in the wheelchair with Jeff pushing. MK, new town (not yet city), did have decent planners. I always thought architects, builders and designers should be forced to go around their buildings so their see what it would be like for other wheelchair bound people and at least MK people had seen to have done that with slopes and ramps over the places and smooth walkways. You soon notice how rough road and pavements are when in the chair.

Shops in MK are on two levels and it soon comes apparent that lifts are the only way to get upstairs. So first up was Marks & Spencer whose one of two lifts was not working. So it was a battle with pushchairs. Am sure some of those kids are just too big to be pushed around or are kids just look older as they are fatter or just fatter because they don’t walk. M & S clothes are dreadful as ever. They should shoot the buyers and the merchandisers. Found a great chocolate brown leather sofa that would look great in Jeff’s flat.

So out and about showing Mum all the other stores. My favourite Zara was going though a change so little in it, which was a shame. I need a new bag so I can carry my new bits with me but nothing small and trendy enough for me. Off to John Lewis for lunch. MouseKey. Need to put weight on. Then looked at MK car show. Not really a car show more a collection of new cars parked a funny angles. Like the first car stopping in one corner and all the others stopped quickly to avoid it. Liked the new Smart Roadster but don’t think I will ever own one. Those days are behind me.

Next stop Next. No lift so into the stockrooms with staff and shoved in with all the parcels up to the next floor. All shops look grotty from behind the scenes and Next was no different. Found some new loungewear in the sale. Very Beckham and baggy. Ideal for my new strange shape. Few more shops Boots for Moistures and John Lewis for Thank you cards, orange for sum card for Jeff. Next to JD Sports for some trackie bottoms that will be more comfortable to wear and more practical.

It was all fine till my card was declined. My finances are not good but did not think that bad. So shop wanted to keep my card and I wanted it back or I had money for next week. So phoned bank and they said no problem with my account. Shop still wont give it back even though I had used the card already that day. So an hour later left with no card and a trip to the bank. There could not sort it either. So had to order another card. Now we are all knacked and off home to have fish and chips.

Did notice that all the other people in wheelchairs are old and a lot more around than I thought. I feel young but it does not feel good.

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